whats the point
Oh you’ve redecorated…
I don’t like it
i acknowledge that this house has had a renovation, but given that it’s a stupid-ass renovation, i’ve elected to ignore it.
i tried really hard to make myself cry on wednesday.
i sat and i sniffled. i squinted and thought really hard.
i thought about my life, i thought about my problems
i thought about how unhappy i am
i thought about how useless i’ve been all these years and how i’ve never given anything back
how i have no idea what the future holds or how i have no plans
how i’m scared
how i’m lonely
how i’m pursuing things i can’t have and how i can’t sleep at night knowing that i can’t have them
and i kept saying after each thought, "doesn’t that make you sad? doesn’t that make you sad? doesn’t that make you sad?"
it does make me sad, but it doesn’t bring me to tears.
for a while i thought i was just incredibly tough, like i had built up some sort of emotional barrier to protect myself from breaking down but now it is the opposite and i’d give anything to be able to cry my eyes out for one solid night. just for some release.
but i can’t.
i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep i cant sleep